Thoughts on Sex and Sexuality

Some may find this shocking or unbelievable, but typically, I don’t have many sexual thoughts unless I see, hear, read or experience sexual stimuli. Most of the time, I choose not to entertain sexual thoughts because I don’t want to become sexually stimulated and fall into sin. Then there are those unavoidable times during the menstrual cycle when one’s breasts get fuller and heavier. During those times I become more intimately aware of my femininity and sexuality and sexual thoughts follow. This has also been the case when I’ve been involved in romantic relationships; I become more sexually sensitive.

To monitor and control my sexual appetite, I avoid watching movies or parts in movies that have explicit or even semi-explicit sexual content because I don’t want to be sexually stimulated. I don’t want to plant thoughts or encourage thoughts of fornication. Wanting to be held and cared for doesn’t mean the same thing to me as sex. However, the more kissing and holding one engages in and the more intimate one becomes, the more readily one is likely to be aroused. This brings to mind 1 Corinthians 7:9 that states "if one cannot control themselves, they should marry, for it is better to marry than to burn with passion." My former pastor had a saying I believe to be scriptural and applicable to this discussion: "Feed what you want to grow, starve what you want to die." Galatians 5:24-25 corresponds to this principle, it says, "Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the sinful nature with its passions and desires. Since we live by the Spirit, let us keep in step with the Spirit."

There are numerous Bible passages that refer to and give instruction about how to view and handle our sensuality (the flesh). However, I’ve rarely heard it discussed or taught in church and yet we all have to deal with it. We live in an extremely heightened, sexually saturated world. Everywhere we turn we’re bombarded with sexual suggestions. We must address it openly and in the proper biblical context if we are to overcome the devil’s tactics, for Satan is a pro at filling the areas that we leave void.

The foundation of sex and sexuality is that God created sex and made it extremely pleasurable and gave us a strong drive to copulate. God is the one who created it but he created it to be used within healthy parameters and for specific purposes. First, God created sex for procreation. He instructed man to be "fruitful and multiply." He wanted us to populate the earth. Therefore, he had to give us a very strong sexual drive and make it pleasurable for us to do a lot of "populating." The intimacy also created a bond, a oneness between the man and his wife; a oneness that was not to be shared outside of the marriage relationship. Satan and sin perverted sex. Sin, (disobedience to God’s Word and his will) causes a deterioration of all that is good, for only God is good. Apart from God we would not know what good is.

So in thinking about sex and controlling my sexual desire I look to the Bible and the Holy Spirit for guidance and strength. Just today I read again one of my favorite scriptures: "Above all else, guard your heart for it is the wellspring of life" (Proverbs 4:23). We are to "guard" our passions, our desires and to do so we have to guard our meditations. In order to guard our meditations we have to, as David said, "Hide the word of God in our heart that we might not sin against him." We have to "meditate on the word day and night." We have to stop being conformed to this world and be "transformed by the renewing of our minds…" (Romans 12:2). That means we have to know, accept and obey God’s commands and instructions about how we are to view sex and sexuality.
Some think that because I have not had intercourse that I can’t know much about sexuality. Sadly, I have to say that though I have not had sexual intercourse, I have been very intimate with a few men to where we stopped just shy of sexual intercourse. I have experienced the lust for sex, the wild drive that can seem to obliterate common sense and the desire to lose myself in the throes of passion. Giving in to the flesh can feel extremely pleasurable for the moment. Hebrews 11:25 gives reference to the fact that sin can be pleasurable, but it’s only for a season. Sin brings about death if unchecked.

It is precisely because of the power of sexual attraction that I choose not to date. I am as I am because God has given me a measure of wisdom and discernment to recognize the weakness of the flesh in this area and rather than try to act as though I am so strong in the Spirit, nine times out of ten I’ve chosen to avoid sexually tempting situations or situations I see that can lead to sexual temptations. I am now forty-seven years old. I have been practicing celibacy (purity) for a long time. I have a lot more to learn about sexuality personally and in general, but then so do those who are sexually active. In fact, I tend to think that many who simply give in to sexual impulses and even develop their sexual prowess outside of God’s parameters, know less about pure sexuality than the person who maintains self-control and follows God’s instruction and lead in controlling one’s desires. (Controlling one’s desire is not only in reference to abstaining, but also in how to engage and enjoy sex and sexuality; how to control the context, environment and excesses of sex.)

I am alarmed and somewhat disgusted by the lack of education and mis-education on sex in the body of Christ both by instruction and example. The world laughs at us and speaks with more authority on the subject than we do. That’s incredulous to me! We have God’s word and his Holy Spirit to instruct us and yet we allow the world to instruct us on sex-and better yet, we’re even intimidated by them?! Two biblical references come to mind: "I am not ashamed of the gospel of Jesus Christ…" (Romans 1:16), which, by the way, includes all aspects of our lives, including sex, and then, Hebrews 5:12-14 which says, "…though by this time you ought to be teachers, you need someone to teach you the elementary truths of God’s word all over again. You need milk, not solid food! Anyone who lives on milk, being still an infant, is not acquainted with the teaching about righteousness. But solid food is for the mature, who by constant use have trained themselves to distinguish good from evil."

When I hear Christians refer to women (or men) as meat or as an object to satisfy their sexual desire and treat them as such, it’s an indication to me that their minds have not been renewed and that they have not truly matured in Christ. I’ve heard passing comments from some Christian men such as "I want to jump her bones," and I wish I could have her for a night." Lord knows what else they say and think privately. Even on a natural or moral level, the disrespect blows my mind. I can’t imagine any man who loves his family wanting his mother, sister, daughter or niece to be referred to in this way, so why would you refer to another man’s family in this regard? That’s on a natural level. Many moral sinners have that level of respect. How much more should the follower or disciple of Christ?!

I am disheartened as I observe Christians sexually defrauding (taking advantage of) one another and thinking nothing of it. In 1 Thessalonians 4:3-7 Scripture says, "It is God’s will that you should be sanctified: that you should avoid sexual immorality, that each of you should learn to control his own body in a way that is holy and honorable, not in passionate lust like the heathen, who do not know God; and that in this matter no one should wrong his brother or take advantage of him… For God did not call us to be impure, but to live a holy life." Defrauding one another in this way is not loving, yet the Lord commands us to love one another. We’ve conformed more to the world and its patterns rather than transformed our thinking and life to God’s standard. Yes, it’s sad to see the condition and moral abyss of the world in which we live, but when Christians live the same as the rest of the world it is particularly disappointing. The apostle Paul in addressing the church at Corinth in 1 Corinthians 5:9-11 tells us, "not to associate with the sexually immoral people-not at all meaning the people of the world who are immoral or the greedy and swindlers, or idolaters. In that case you would have to leave this world. But now I am writing you that you must not associate with anyone who calls himself a brother but is sexually immoral or greedy, an idolater or a slanderer; a drunkard or a swindler…"

We need to talk more about sex, but from a biblical standpoint. Sex is a very good thing, but too often it is spoken of and treated in a most filthy manner rather than as a respectful, healthy recreation for married couples. God said the marriage bed is holy. "Marriage should be honored by all and the marriage bed kept pure…" (Hebrews 13:4). He goes on to say in the same verse that "God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral." In other passages God says that the sexually immoral will not see God and that among us "there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality, or any kind of impurity, or greed, because these are improper for God’s holy people… For this you can be sure: No immoral, impure or greedy person-such a man is an idolater – has any inheritance in the kingdom of God"  (Ephesians 5:3-5).

The reason the world is so saturated with a distorted view of sex and sexuality is not only because Satan is the prince of this world and because of the effects of sin, but also because we as the body of Christ have failed. We’ve shrunk back from speaking and living boldly for God and according to his word. We have failed to be the salt, God’s preservative in the earth and light in the darkness.
But the good news is that that can change. We can change. We must change if we want to see change in our families, our children, our churches and communities. To counter the enemy’s rampant and destructive sexual messages and tactics we have to teach more, speak more and live out more of the biblical values of sex and sexuality.


"Do not be deceived: God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sows. The one who sows to please his sinful nature from that nature will reap destruction; the one who sows to please the Spirit, from the Spirit will reap eternal life" (Galatians 6:7-8).

Let’s talk about sex and sensuality, but let’s talk about it respectfully, openly and most of all, biblically and so glorify God in the process.

(All scripture references are taken from the NIV Bible.)
Copyright 2012, All rights reserved.  Reviews on the book, Celebrating Men
"This is a candid account of how God has shaped B. Niles' life through the influence of men. She has been both protected and preyed up on by men; she has never been married. Yet she found the courage to boldly declare that the status of manhood is worth celebrating. This book makes the powerful statement that men are jars of clay containing the exceeding greatness of the power of God to shape, tend and keep. Unfortunately because of sin men lack the wisdom to properly use that power. As a man I am so thankful that God, in his love, provided the necessary wisdom through Christ. B. Niles is celebrating God's work through men."
- John Leconte

"It was fun to read a book without someone telling me what to think. Ms. Niles’ credentials surrounds us in this tell all book which shares her personal journey through life. If one reads this book with an open mind, it could be a device to awaken the genetic data of a man’s internal behavior. As people, we need to embrace the experiences of others when we’re blinded from the stare of self. Ms. Niles puts no stipulations on the individual, she simply shares herself in ways you and I are too cowardly to do. Given her religious background, her spirituality is displayed throughout the book. I personally feel that she (nicely) blended a spiritual twist on a secular conversation."
- Donnie Ellis

Politically Incorrect, Biologically Challenged, Scripturally Sound

- Have you ever been to a doctor and gotten a diagnosis that you believed to be questionable, possibly incorrect and decided to get a second or third opinion only to find out you were justified in pursuing that second or third opinion?

- Do you ever wonder why scientists disagree on various subjects or have sometimes vastly different theories on the same scientific finding or study?

- Is there anyone else out there questioning illogical, unsound diagnoses of some scientific data and politically correct agendas?

For centuries our ancestors believed the world was flat, until others came along and explored and found it was actually round. However, God had already spoken in His Word that the world was round. (Isaiah 40:22)

It was widely believed not that long ago and still believed by some today that Black people are an intellectually inferior race. In fact, this belief was used as justification  for slavery by many in the West until a few questioned the logic and cruelty of the practice.

Darwin, the great scientist and infamous proposer of the natural evolution of man, confessed that, "...we don't need a microscope to observe irreducible complexity. The eye, the ear and the heart are all examples of irreducible complexity, though they were not recognized as such in Darwin's day. Nevertheless, Darwin confessed, 'To suppose that the eye with all its inimitable contrivances for adjusting the focus to different distances, for admitting different amounts of light, and for the correction of spherical and chromatic aberration, could have been formed by natural selection, seems, I freely confess, absurd in the highest degree.'" (Wikepedia: Darwin's Theory of Evolution - A Theory in Crisis)

I can go on and on about the gross errors in judgment that science and man has made. Don't get me wrong, I believe in science, its just that I believe that God's Word, the Word of the Creator of science, trumps man's scientific and sometimes predisposed, limited and sometimes self-serving approach to scientific research. That is to say that when man's scientific theories and conclusions oppose God's revelations, I side with God's Word and not man's.

Time and time again, we find that man's wisdom, knowledge and beliefs about many important things in our world have been found over time to be premature, even immature or faulty. That's understandable, man is after all mortal, temporal and faulty. We make mistakes. Simply put, we are not God. We create out of what has already been created - matter. God created out of what did not previously exist. He created the matter and put us in charge of it.

The public opinion and scientific challenge I am about to address is a very touchy one that is gaining momentum in Western culture today. I will more than likely be labeled "unloving," "narrow-minded," "ignorant" and even "un-Christian" by many non-Christians and Christians alike. Nevertheless, it needs to be exposed for what it is: unsound, illogical and a lie. Pretty strong words, I know. Nonetheless, I would be "unloving" and untrue to myself, humanity and God if I said nothing. Love does not just go along with the flow of public opinion, that's fear, not love. God's Word says to "speak the truth in love." Jesus confronted the religious and culturally immoral beliefs of the world around him in love and was crucified for it and he is Immanuel - God with us. He said that those who follow him would be treated likewise for the servant is not greater than the master. The world, he said, hated him and would hate us also because darkness is opposed to light.

The momentum I am referring to that is gathering steam across the United States is the belief that homosexuality is normal and same-sex marriages are to be accepted. Sometimes such propaganda is even easier to refute than the headlines of: "Man Finds Out He is a Woman" when a medical professional tells a man that he is a woman because he has some female genitals in addition to male ones. The phenomenon is called "intersex," when a male or female has both male and female genitalia. Sounds like an irrefutable argument for homosexuality or an argument to refute or call into question the black and white biblical foundation that God created man and woman not also some transgender individual, right? Well, I beg to differ.

Note that despite the fact that "Stevie" had feminine feelings when he was six years old and struggled with feminine tendencies growing up, Stevie naturally fathered six children during twenty-five+ years of marriage to a female. It is understandable that his feminine feelings were validated when he learned that he was an intersex man who has ovaries as well as a penis. The conclusion, however, that he is a woman because of it is erroneous and the medical professional who told him so based solely on one ultrasound and in the way in which the article shares it was highly unprofessional and the data misleading.

I have had some things said to me by medical professionals that were completely unprofessional/inappropriate and at times erroneous based on tests. Hence why further testing is done, consultation and counseling by specialists recommended and second and third opinions are sought. But one's belief and acceptance of a report can radically effect one's course. In this case, the news articles surrounding Stevie's transformation from a highly functioning man into a woman feeds doubt about the delineation between the exclusivity of what is male and what is female.

First of all, being a male child and having feminine feelings, doesn't predispose you as weird or female. Nor does being a female child having male tendencies make you weird or male. A woman cannot naturally "father" children. It's simply impossible without medical engineering. So unless Steve's wife was surgically implanted with sperm from another source other than Steve, Steve is a man, feminine feelings and all. That is what someone should have lovingly helped him to grapple with, not told him that because he had some ovaries in addition to a penis and testicles that he is a woman. What was the irrefutable evidence? What was the overwhelming evidence? How would similar data on another subject withstand scrutiny in a court of law for example? And regardless of those disciplines, what does God's Word say? You see, there comes a time when you have to ask yourself, "Whose report will I believe?" God's or man's? Who ultimately knows the truth- fallible man or infallible God; mortal man or immortal God?

I think of the simple, logical male and female-like things in everyday life and wonder how we as intelligent and logical beings can be so misguided and the only answer I can find is found once again in God's Word which says that "men who suppress the truth by their wickedness, since what may be known about God is plain to them, because God has made it plain to them. For since the creation of the world God's invisible qualities-his eternal power and divine nature-have been clearly seen, being understood from what has been made so that men are without excuse. For although they knew God, they neither glorified him as God nor gave thanks to him, but their thinking became futile and their foolish hearts were darkened. Although they claimed to be wise, they became as fools and exchanged the glory of the immortal God for images made to look like mortal man and birds and animals and reptiles."

"Therefore God gave them over in the sinful desires of their hearts to sexual impurity for the degrading of their bodies with one another. They exchanged the truth of God for a lie, and worhsiped and served created things rather than the Creator-who is forever praised. Amen. Because of this, God gave them over to shameful lusts. Even their women exchanged natural relations for unnatural ones. In the same way the men also abandoned natural relations with women and were inflamed with lust for one another. Men committed indecent acts with other men, and received in themselves the due penalty for their perversion..." (Romans 1:18-27)

Often when I plug in my computer's power cord or any power cord of an electrical appliance I think of the incongruity of a male organ being plugged into another male organ or vice versa, a female organ being plugged into a female organ. An electrical prong is plugged into an electrical outlet. There is no transfer of electricity- no power to make the appliance function properly unless the plug is inserted into the outlet. (I don't know, but I don't think I have to be an electrician, doctor or scientist to figure that one out.) My terminology may not be exact, but I think you get the picture. It boggles my mind that the animal kingdom, insects and even the event of pollination of plants operate in this general principle, yet we, the intelligent of all created beings are confused about male and female roles; more correctly, are deliberately seeking to redefine basic male and female functions and roles. My question is why? What's behind this movement? It is certainly not a new thought or movement. It has occurred at various times in history and died and is resurging once again. Is no one following the natural outcome of this unnatural progression through to it's final end? Are we so blinded by the powerful, reportedly intellectual faces in support of the propaganda or the accruing political support? Or are we too fearful of  the repercussion if we oppose the tide?

I am not perfect. I make mistakes but I know one who is perfect and doesn't make mistakes- God. I choose to believe his Word above man's.