Thoughts on Sex and Sexuality

Some may find this shocking or unbelievable, but typically, I don’t have many sexual thoughts unless I see, hear, read or experience sexual stimuli. Most of the time, I choose not to entertain sexual thoughts because I don’t want to become sexually stimulated and fall into sin. Then there are those unavoidable times during the menstrual cycle when one’s breasts get fuller and heavier. During those times I become more intimately aware of my femininity and sexuality and sexual thoughts follow. This has also been the case when I’ve been involved in romantic relationships; I become more sexually sensitive.

To monitor and control my sexual appetite, I avoid watching movies or parts in movies that have explicit or even semi-explicit sexual content because I don’t want to be sexually stimulated. I don’t want to plant thoughts or encourage thoughts of fornication. Wanting to be held and cared for doesn’t mean the same thing to me as sex. However, the more kissing and holding one engages in and the more intimate one becomes, the more readily one is likely to be aroused. This brings to mind 1 Corinthians 7:9 that states "if one cannot control themselves, they should marry, for it is better to marry than to burn with passion." My former pastor had a saying I believe to be scriptural and applicable to this discussion: "Feed what you want to grow, starve what you want to die." Galatians 5:24-25 corresponds to this principle, it says, "Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the sinful nature with its passions and desires. Since we live by the Spirit, let us keep in step with the Spirit."

There are numerous Bible passages that refer to and give instruction about how to view and handle our sensuality (the flesh). However, I’ve rarely heard it discussed or taught in church and yet we all have to deal with it. We live in an extremely heightened, sexually saturated world. Everywhere we turn we’re bombarded with sexual suggestions. We must address it openly and in the proper biblical context if we are to overcome the devil’s tactics, for Satan is a pro at filling the areas that we leave void.

The foundation of sex and sexuality is that God created sex and made it extremely pleasurable and gave us a strong drive to copulate. God is the one who created it but he created it to be used within healthy parameters and for specific purposes. First, God created sex for procreation. He instructed man to be "fruitful and multiply." He wanted us to populate the earth. Therefore, he had to give us a very strong sexual drive and make it pleasurable for us to do a lot of "populating." The intimacy also created a bond, a oneness between the man and his wife; a oneness that was not to be shared outside of the marriage relationship. Satan and sin perverted sex. Sin, (disobedience to God’s Word and his will) causes a deterioration of all that is good, for only God is good. Apart from God we would not know what good is.

So in thinking about sex and controlling my sexual desire I look to the Bible and the Holy Spirit for guidance and strength. Just today I read again one of my favorite scriptures: "Above all else, guard your heart for it is the wellspring of life" (Proverbs 4:23). We are to "guard" our passions, our desires and to do so we have to guard our meditations. In order to guard our meditations we have to, as David said, "Hide the word of God in our heart that we might not sin against him." We have to "meditate on the word day and night." We have to stop being conformed to this world and be "transformed by the renewing of our minds…" (Romans 12:2). That means we have to know, accept and obey God’s commands and instructions about how we are to view sex and sexuality.
Some think that because I have not had intercourse that I can’t know much about sexuality. Sadly, I have to say that though I have not had sexual intercourse, I have been very intimate with a few men to where we stopped just shy of sexual intercourse. I have experienced the lust for sex, the wild drive that can seem to obliterate common sense and the desire to lose myself in the throes of passion. Giving in to the flesh can feel extremely pleasurable for the moment. Hebrews 11:25 gives reference to the fact that sin can be pleasurable, but it’s only for a season. Sin brings about death if unchecked.

It is precisely because of the power of sexual attraction that I choose not to date. I am as I am because God has given me a measure of wisdom and discernment to recognize the weakness of the flesh in this area and rather than try to act as though I am so strong in the Spirit, nine times out of ten I’ve chosen to avoid sexually tempting situations or situations I see that can lead to sexual temptations. I am now forty-seven years old. I have been practicing celibacy (purity) for a long time. I have a lot more to learn about sexuality personally and in general, but then so do those who are sexually active. In fact, I tend to think that many who simply give in to sexual impulses and even develop their sexual prowess outside of God’s parameters, know less about pure sexuality than the person who maintains self-control and follows God’s instruction and lead in controlling one’s desires. (Controlling one’s desire is not only in reference to abstaining, but also in how to engage and enjoy sex and sexuality; how to control the context, environment and excesses of sex.)

I am alarmed and somewhat disgusted by the lack of education and mis-education on sex in the body of Christ both by instruction and example. The world laughs at us and speaks with more authority on the subject than we do. That’s incredulous to me! We have God’s word and his Holy Spirit to instruct us and yet we allow the world to instruct us on sex-and better yet, we’re even intimidated by them?! Two biblical references come to mind: "I am not ashamed of the gospel of Jesus Christ…" (Romans 1:16), which, by the way, includes all aspects of our lives, including sex, and then, Hebrews 5:12-14 which says, "…though by this time you ought to be teachers, you need someone to teach you the elementary truths of God’s word all over again. You need milk, not solid food! Anyone who lives on milk, being still an infant, is not acquainted with the teaching about righteousness. But solid food is for the mature, who by constant use have trained themselves to distinguish good from evil."

When I hear Christians refer to women (or men) as meat or as an object to satisfy their sexual desire and treat them as such, it’s an indication to me that their minds have not been renewed and that they have not truly matured in Christ. I’ve heard passing comments from some Christian men such as "I want to jump her bones," and I wish I could have her for a night." Lord knows what else they say and think privately. Even on a natural or moral level, the disrespect blows my mind. I can’t imagine any man who loves his family wanting his mother, sister, daughter or niece to be referred to in this way, so why would you refer to another man’s family in this regard? That’s on a natural level. Many moral sinners have that level of respect. How much more should the follower or disciple of Christ?!

I am disheartened as I observe Christians sexually defrauding (taking advantage of) one another and thinking nothing of it. In 1 Thessalonians 4:3-7 Scripture says, "It is God’s will that you should be sanctified: that you should avoid sexual immorality, that each of you should learn to control his own body in a way that is holy and honorable, not in passionate lust like the heathen, who do not know God; and that in this matter no one should wrong his brother or take advantage of him… For God did not call us to be impure, but to live a holy life." Defrauding one another in this way is not loving, yet the Lord commands us to love one another. We’ve conformed more to the world and its patterns rather than transformed our thinking and life to God’s standard. Yes, it’s sad to see the condition and moral abyss of the world in which we live, but when Christians live the same as the rest of the world it is particularly disappointing. The apostle Paul in addressing the church at Corinth in 1 Corinthians 5:9-11 tells us, "not to associate with the sexually immoral people-not at all meaning the people of the world who are immoral or the greedy and swindlers, or idolaters. In that case you would have to leave this world. But now I am writing you that you must not associate with anyone who calls himself a brother but is sexually immoral or greedy, an idolater or a slanderer; a drunkard or a swindler…"

We need to talk more about sex, but from a biblical standpoint. Sex is a very good thing, but too often it is spoken of and treated in a most filthy manner rather than as a respectful, healthy recreation for married couples. God said the marriage bed is holy. "Marriage should be honored by all and the marriage bed kept pure…" (Hebrews 13:4). He goes on to say in the same verse that "God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral." In other passages God says that the sexually immoral will not see God and that among us "there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality, or any kind of impurity, or greed, because these are improper for God’s holy people… For this you can be sure: No immoral, impure or greedy person-such a man is an idolater – has any inheritance in the kingdom of God"  (Ephesians 5:3-5).

The reason the world is so saturated with a distorted view of sex and sexuality is not only because Satan is the prince of this world and because of the effects of sin, but also because we as the body of Christ have failed. We’ve shrunk back from speaking and living boldly for God and according to his word. We have failed to be the salt, God’s preservative in the earth and light in the darkness.
But the good news is that that can change. We can change. We must change if we want to see change in our families, our children, our churches and communities. To counter the enemy’s rampant and destructive sexual messages and tactics we have to teach more, speak more and live out more of the biblical values of sex and sexuality.


"Do not be deceived: God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sows. The one who sows to please his sinful nature from that nature will reap destruction; the one who sows to please the Spirit, from the Spirit will reap eternal life" (Galatians 6:7-8).

Let’s talk about sex and sensuality, but let’s talk about it respectfully, openly and most of all, biblically and so glorify God in the process.

(All scripture references are taken from the NIV Bible.)
Copyright 2012, All rights reserved.  Reviews on the book, Celebrating Men
"This is a candid account of how God has shaped B. Niles' life through the influence of men. She has been both protected and preyed up on by men; she has never been married. Yet she found the courage to boldly declare that the status of manhood is worth celebrating. This book makes the powerful statement that men are jars of clay containing the exceeding greatness of the power of God to shape, tend and keep. Unfortunately because of sin men lack the wisdom to properly use that power. As a man I am so thankful that God, in his love, provided the necessary wisdom through Christ. B. Niles is celebrating God's work through men."
- John Leconte

"It was fun to read a book without someone telling me what to think. Ms. Niles’ credentials surrounds us in this tell all book which shares her personal journey through life. If one reads this book with an open mind, it could be a device to awaken the genetic data of a man’s internal behavior. As people, we need to embrace the experiences of others when we’re blinded from the stare of self. Ms. Niles puts no stipulations on the individual, she simply shares herself in ways you and I are too cowardly to do. Given her religious background, her spirituality is displayed throughout the book. I personally feel that she (nicely) blended a spiritual twist on a secular conversation."
- Donnie Ellis