I have heard the following Scripture quoted and recited over and over again: "'...For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you,' declares the Lord..." Jeremiah 29:11-12. However, I have never heard it quoted within its full context. It is in its full context that I find this promise most fruitful.
In the previous verses beginning with verse 4 it is written: "This is what the Lord Almighty, the God of Israel, says to all those I carried into exile from Jerusalem to Babylon. 'Build houses and settle down, plant gardens and eat what they produce...Also, seek the peace and prosperity of the city to which I have carried you into exile. Pray to the Lord for it, because if it prospers, you too will prosper'... This is what the Lord says, 'When seventy years are completed for Babylon, I will come to you and fulfill my gracious promise to bring you back to this place. For I know the plans I have for you..."
After reading this passage this morning I was reminded of a due diligence process I underwent recently while applying for a couple of jobs in the financial field. I found the process extensive and tedious but also educational and rewarding. In the passage above God made some promises to Israel but it's his declaration and instruction before the promises that caught my attention this time. He says that, he, God, carried the Israelites into exile which would last for seventy years! (We know from reading the book of Jeremiah that God punished the Israelites in this way due to their rebellion.) But God still loved them and instructed them to build, prosper and pray for the cities he exiled them to so that they could prosper. Then after seventy years he would bring them out of exile. The nation of Israel was being corrected, chastised, and during that process pruned and developed before bringing them into their next season. God told them to pray for their cities that they would prosper, to marry and give in marriage; build houses and gardens. But they would remain in exile, in captivity for seventy years before he brought them out...
I saw this as a spiritual due diligence. God will test us. He will try us. He will allow us to go through trials and tribulations for our own spiritual and character development. It is, if you will, his due diligence process. Abraham went through it. He waited twenty-four years for the son promised him and then was told to offer him up as a sacrifice. Moses went through it. Joseph went through it. David went through it. Everyone who follows God goes through it and the greater the calling, the greater the due diligence process.
My mind switched from the spiritual due diligence process to a more natural one that again, I find many fail to process. This other due diligence is one of relationships, especially that of courtship for marriage. In many cultures around the world there is still a due diligence process associated with finding a proper or compatible mate. However, in the US, eight times out of ten, we've abandoned this valuable process and embraced a Hollywood, cotton candy or "if it feels good, do it" approach to marriage and relationships. This is true even in many Christian circles. The problem with feelings is that they change pretty quickly when tried. Feelings are fickle and quite frankly, making such decisions based on how we feel at the moment is not biblical. We are instructed to "walk by faith, not by sight". We are instructed to "Count it all joy when we go through diverse trials and tribulations because we know that the trying of our faith develops perseverance and perseverance must finish its work so that we may be mature and complete." (James 1:2-4 )
I am amazed at how many times over the years that I have been encouraged to get married because 1) "I'm not getting any younger," 2) "He's a good guy," 3) "He's a Christian," 4) "He's well established," and so on. When I didn't budge I would then be accused of being a perfectionist or asked, "What's wrong with him?" or "What's wrong with you?"
As on many resumes and job applications, it's been proven that many people lie. They put their best foot forward and go beyond their best and begin to fabricate qualities. The same applies in many relationships initially. We put our best foot and face forward. However, over time and when quality time is spent with most individuals, their true character and their level of faith in God is revealed. Surely, if God tests us to see what is in our hearts, we ought to test a prospective spouse. Even some animals and birds like the eagle, have mating rituals to test for the appropriate mates.
Do you have a due diligence process? It would be interesting to learn what process you use. I recommend you saturate the process with prayer. Repeatedly in the passage I used for today I read where God instructed the Israelites to pray for or pray and seek God for peace and prosperity. When you pray about these matters, if don't you get an answer, don't move forward-wait. What's the rush? On your own you'll just mess it up anyway and have to start the process all over again. You have to learn to do your due diligence. How does this person handle themself in various situations? How do they handle money matters? Do they have integrity with others? What is their spiritual and general goals in life? Are they spiritually compatible? Having said all that, has God given you the green light to move forward? If not, wait, there's a reason or a lesson God wants to teach you. He may be pruning and preparing you. The timing may not be right just yet.
There is someone that's been apart of my life for seventeen years. Nothing "wrong" with him and nothing "wrong" with me. In my mind and spirit, we were not compatible. Something was always missing. He'd asked me several times to get married and I could not give him a positive answer. However, twice over the years of our friendship and off and on relationship, I had convinced myself to marry him. Both times when I tried to tell him "yes," the Holy Spirit stopped me and we would go through a period of silence for months or even years. I just thought he wasn't the one.
Then, a month ago, after I completely surrendered my desire for marriage to God, meaning, whichever state God wanted for me to be in was fine with me. Within a week God revealed to me that this friend of mine who'd been in my life for so long was indeed God's choice for me. Having said that, however, I still don't know when. In the meantime, I continue to have plenty to do in service to the Lord while I wait for God to bring that revelation to reality. It's all about God's timing, not mine or ours. We're still under God's pruning knife. My friend told me several months ago that he knows that I'm the one for him. I didn't have the same conviction at the time. I do now but due to our special circumstances, we have to wait a while longer for God to bring it to pass.
Submit to God's due diligence in your spiritual walk and develop due diligence in your courtship process. It will be challenging at times but the end thereof will be so much more rewarding.
See yesterday's post: How to Address Your Woman & Weight Issues
My other blog: www.wealthofcharacter.blogspot.com
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Thursday, March 22, 2012
Wednesday, March 21, 2012
How To Address Your Woman With Weight Issues
Understanding Women & Weight
Recently I sent a long time male friend of mine a message bemoaning the fact that I was gaining weight and felt "uncomfortable in my own skin." Due to hyperthyroidism, I'd become severely under weight and fought to gain the weight back. Not only did I gain the weight back, I exceeded my normal weight by a few pounds, I shared briefly. This friend who'd been more than just a friend at various times over the years thought I was being funny and suggested that I could gain another two-three pounds as far as he was concerned.
This may sound trivial to you, but many women are very sensitive about their weight. I would have thought that by now, if you're at least over thirty years old that most men would know this and have learned how to address it when the subject arose. I have heard many male friends complain about their girlfriend's or wife's weight over the years, in particular, that they've gained too much weight. I am very aware how important a woman's physical appearance is to her mate or perspective mate. It's important that you find her to be attractive. The media certainly exploits this knowledge.
I didn't respond to my friend's response. I simply had no comment. He's always thought that I could stand to gain a few pounds. However, a few days later as I gained another two pounds I became slightly discouraged. I didn't know if it was due to my getting older and my metabolism slowing down, though I was eating healthily, but due to schedule changes, I was actually eating less. Or, was the thyroid medication becoming too much and it needed to be adjusted. All of a sudden I became discouraged because I felt that my friend could have asked how or what I was doing about it or suggested I see my doctor to get checked out instead of pointing out that I could stand to gain a few more pounds, which to him would look good on me.
Okay, brothers, husbands, boyfriends, a word of advice. In most cases I know that it's the reverse concern, that your mate or significant other is too heavy and you would like to see her lose a few pounds. Note that any time a woman mentions her weight to you, walk carefully. It is not the time to talk about your desires or needs. She's hurting and reaching out and needs comfort and encouragement. It's just not about you at that time. Prayerfully, console her, but don't lie. Hopefully, you still think she looks good even if not ideal. Share the fact that she still looks good to you. She needs to hear that first and foremost. Then ask her some questions before giving criticism or advice. Some questions you can ask are: What's bothering you about the weight? What do you want to do about it? How can I help? Show concern and caring. You'll gain an incredible amount of brownie points or place huge deposits into her love bank which in turn will benefit you immediately and pay long term dividends.
Women are very conscious about how they look and want to look good to you. The media is telling us how we should look to be beautiful and many of us know we don't quite fit the model. We certainly don't need to hear about our physical short comings in a negative light from our close friends or mates. (Note, I did not say we didn't need to hear about them, just not in a negative light.) It's like a parent who has to learn how to encourage or edify their child who is making poor choices in life and because you love that child you want to steer them in the right direction. As parenting counsel is typically more important and has greater influence in the life of a child than any other, so your loving, listening ear and gentle counsel in regards to this very sensitive issue in your mate's life, is very important to her self-esteem and growth as well as her achieving a healthy weight.
One more note, none of us are perfect. We all fall short in various ways. But, be consistent, patient and wise. In most cases, wait for her to introduce the subject, unless you feel spiritually led to do otherwise. Regularly reinforce how good she looks to you. This encourages her to do more to look good to you. Repeatedly ask how you can help, because things may change along the way. Don't harp on the issue, however. Compliment, compliment, compliment. Look for specific areas to sincerely compliment her on her progress. You're going to love the results of your investment in her.
I would love to hear whether this tidbit was helpful to you. Please comment.
Recently I sent a long time male friend of mine a message bemoaning the fact that I was gaining weight and felt "uncomfortable in my own skin." Due to hyperthyroidism, I'd become severely under weight and fought to gain the weight back. Not only did I gain the weight back, I exceeded my normal weight by a few pounds, I shared briefly. This friend who'd been more than just a friend at various times over the years thought I was being funny and suggested that I could gain another two-three pounds as far as he was concerned.
This may sound trivial to you, but many women are very sensitive about their weight. I would have thought that by now, if you're at least over thirty years old that most men would know this and have learned how to address it when the subject arose. I have heard many male friends complain about their girlfriend's or wife's weight over the years, in particular, that they've gained too much weight. I am very aware how important a woman's physical appearance is to her mate or perspective mate. It's important that you find her to be attractive. The media certainly exploits this knowledge.
I didn't respond to my friend's response. I simply had no comment. He's always thought that I could stand to gain a few pounds. However, a few days later as I gained another two pounds I became slightly discouraged. I didn't know if it was due to my getting older and my metabolism slowing down, though I was eating healthily, but due to schedule changes, I was actually eating less. Or, was the thyroid medication becoming too much and it needed to be adjusted. All of a sudden I became discouraged because I felt that my friend could have asked how or what I was doing about it or suggested I see my doctor to get checked out instead of pointing out that I could stand to gain a few more pounds, which to him would look good on me.
Okay, brothers, husbands, boyfriends, a word of advice. In most cases I know that it's the reverse concern, that your mate or significant other is too heavy and you would like to see her lose a few pounds. Note that any time a woman mentions her weight to you, walk carefully. It is not the time to talk about your desires or needs. She's hurting and reaching out and needs comfort and encouragement. It's just not about you at that time. Prayerfully, console her, but don't lie. Hopefully, you still think she looks good even if not ideal. Share the fact that she still looks good to you. She needs to hear that first and foremost. Then ask her some questions before giving criticism or advice. Some questions you can ask are: What's bothering you about the weight? What do you want to do about it? How can I help? Show concern and caring. You'll gain an incredible amount of brownie points or place huge deposits into her love bank which in turn will benefit you immediately and pay long term dividends.
Women are very conscious about how they look and want to look good to you. The media is telling us how we should look to be beautiful and many of us know we don't quite fit the model. We certainly don't need to hear about our physical short comings in a negative light from our close friends or mates. (Note, I did not say we didn't need to hear about them, just not in a negative light.) It's like a parent who has to learn how to encourage or edify their child who is making poor choices in life and because you love that child you want to steer them in the right direction. As parenting counsel is typically more important and has greater influence in the life of a child than any other, so your loving, listening ear and gentle counsel in regards to this very sensitive issue in your mate's life, is very important to her self-esteem and growth as well as her achieving a healthy weight.
One more note, none of us are perfect. We all fall short in various ways. But, be consistent, patient and wise. In most cases, wait for her to introduce the subject, unless you feel spiritually led to do otherwise. Regularly reinforce how good she looks to you. This encourages her to do more to look good to you. Repeatedly ask how you can help, because things may change along the way. Don't harp on the issue, however. Compliment, compliment, compliment. Look for specific areas to sincerely compliment her on her progress. You're going to love the results of your investment in her.
I would love to hear whether this tidbit was helpful to you. Please comment.
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